"If you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come." (1)
Image Source
This past year, we started a new tradition in our family: For each family member's birthday, I plaster a wall in our kitchen with photos of that family member ... photos of them doing things they enjoy, photos of them with friends or family, vacations, and us in front of meaningful places and meaningful events.
My objective in doing this is to celebrate that family member, to let them visually see that they are SO loved and valued by friends and family, near and far. And also, to let them know that they are part of something bigger as they learn insights into who their family is and where they're from.
This effort is part sentimental, part my desire to create lasting traditions with my young family, but it was also inspired by several articles I've read recently about the importance of family history and family stories.
Check just two of these headlines:
- From the Washington Post: Study shows "Teen's knowledge of family history a sign of social-emotional health"
- From the American Psychological Association: "Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well being and prognosis"
What's the common theme among these articles? What is the research showing about family stories? That Children who grow up knowing details of their family history have higher self esteem, greater coping skills, and are happier. Sign me up!
What is it about knowing family stories that can have such a hugely positive effect on a child's development of self?
Let's define what we mean by "family stories" and then explore what is it about knowing family stories that can have such a hugely positive effect on a child's development of self?
These stories can be as simple as sharing memories from when you were growing up. Or stories you share with your child from when they were young, before they can remember. Or it can be things that tie you together, like genetic similarities. It's traditions. It's sentences that start with "Remember that time we... [fill in the blank]."
Or these can be grander stories - such as major struggles, stories of tragedy and loss, and how you overcame it all. An immigrant story.These stories tell children about who they are and where they came from.
Psychologists from Emory University developed a scale of 20 questions to assess how much teens knew about their family history, and in the summer of 2001 they asked these questions to four dozen families.
The types of questions on this scale are pretty simple in nature, but these are things that would have happened before they were born, so the children would have been told, or read, or learned these details from another indirect source. For example:
- Do you know where your parents grew up?
- Do you know where your parents met?
- Do you know the story behind how you got your name?
- Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
The psychologists behind this study were overwhelmed with the results: The more the teens knew about their family's history, the more they exhibited a host of positive outcomes,including greater self-esteem, a stronger belief that they can positively influence their future, fewer behavioral problems, more resilience in the face of hardship, better academic performance, and better relationships with their parents.
The research shows that family stories help shape a person's identity and are a predictor of their emotional health and happiness.
So what is it about knowing family stories that can have such a positive effect? It's not simply knowing the answers to the questions on that survey.
It's the process by which these things come to be known, not the content that is the critical factor. It's talking and listening. It's regularly spending time together over a period of many years ... at family dinners, vacations, holiday gatherings, etc, and if possible, at gatherings where multiple generations are present. It's a child's sense of being part of a larger family.
Family stories can inspire us, protect us, and bind us to others. And as one author put it: "If you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come." (2)
And what if you don't have children of your own? Learn these family stories for your own sake. Or share with siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. Only positive things can come from it!
..........
Notes:- Feiler, Bruce. "The Stories That Bind Us." The New York Times. The New York Times, 16 Mar. 2013. Web. 9 May 2014.
- Ibid.
